the first day of spring
MY AYAHUASCA EXPERIENCE
history and background
the shipibo are one of the most well-known tribes for their relationship with ayahuasca and are some of the most highly respected healers in the amazon rainforest.
shipibo shamanism (“curanderismo”) is not a religion, it is regarded as a healing practice. It is centered upon universal spiritual wisdom and rooted in nature- a method for making a spiritual connection with sacred realms. each person becomes their own guru, receiving revelations from within themselves and higher transpersonal sources. (beyond the usual limits of ego and personality)
plant shamanism has been referred to as “spirit assisted healthcare”; illness is viewed as disharmony in a person's life on energetic and spiritual levels. this disharmony leads to mental, emotional, and physical illness if left unresolved.
when people talk about ayahuasca, they are typically referring to the drink that you consume in ceremony. this finished product, the reddish-brown thick substance, is “brewed” with a combination of two plants- the ayahuasca vine and the leaf of the chacruna plant. both plants are collected from the jungle to create a potent mixture that offers access to the realm of spirits and the energetic world that we are typically unable to perceive in our ordinary state of consciousness.
to be scientific, the chacruna plant is what contains the psychoactive dimethyltryptamine (DMT), which by itself is not orally active because it is metabolized by a stomach enzyme (MAO). However, certain chemicals in the ayahuasca vine contain MAO inhibitors. The mixture circulates through the bloodstream into the brain, where it triggers powerful visionary experiences.
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this is a unique form of healing that takes place in a co-creative relationship between the healer, the plant spirits and ayahuasca, and the participant. personal accountability and conviction in your decision to embark on this journey is of utmost importance.
the medicine will open windows for the participant to uncover universal and personal truths, push you to experience and take responsibility for issues that have been hidden in your unconscious and resulted in energetic blockages- often the root cause of dis-ease, or emotional/psycho-spiritual imbalance.
you don’t really have control of where the medicine takes you. you are prompted to ask questions and set intentions, but the medicine will answer, guide, and heal in whatever way it sees fit. partaking of this is the opposite of avoidance and there is nothing that can be done to dilute the experience- if we really want to have our questions answered, to grow, to become better, and to heal, we have to face the root causes of these problems and disease head-on. ayahuasca and these sacred ceremonies give you the opportunity to take a more active part in your healing process– which is powerful but can be very painful.
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I made an initial claim on my instagram that I wouldn't recommend this experience for most people and I do stand by that– it’s a deeply personal decision that I wouldn’t be comfortable pushing anyone to participate in –but I don't regret the trip in the same way I earlier implied.
the more I reflected, the more I was able to find the good in it
(which is the case for most things in this life)
the experience
It is advised that for about two weeks leading up to (and prior to) the ceremonies, you do not partake of any red meats, sugar/processed foods, alcohol, and sex.
I had done well at following maybe half of those guidelines.
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after a long travel day, we arrived at the retreat center in the evening and had dinner waiting for us– I wish I had taken more photos of this to share with you (and document for myself to recreate), but it was genuinely great food. sweet potatoes, turmeric rice, very simple grilled chicken, fresh local fruit, and cooked veggies were primary staples through the entirety of our stay.
they made each meal for us daily- on ceremony days it was 2 (breakfast and lunch, fasting after 5pm) and 3 meals on the days we did not have ceremony.
everything was, as mentioned, incredibly fresh and really well made.
I never felt grossly full, always felt satisfied after meals, and was only bloated on the day we did vomitivos…
which is exactly what it sounds like.
day 1
the next morning started with a 6:30am alarm and meeting down at the maloca (the sacred gathering space where we would later also have the ayahuasca ceremonies)
we stood gathered on the grass, 12 of us (partaking) and 4 healers (facilitating)
they told us we would be drinking this concoction of lemongrass tea (at room temperature) until we were able to vomit. we had to do three substantial purges.
I assumed there was probably something in the tea that our bodies had an aversion to– that our stomach or digestive system would instantly push it out because it posed some minor kind of “threat”, but that wasn’t the case.
we had to drink- or more accurately chug -cup after cup as fast as possible (I think I ended up drinking 5? big cups).
it was the same effect if you drank five cups of anything extremely fast without stopping to breathe. your stomach fills up– too full –and you vomit.
since it was first thing in the morning, there was no food in our stomachs, we were simply projectile vomiting the straight rose-tinted liquid.
this is a necessary, mandatory, and unavoidable part of the process as it is a literal and symbolic cleansing of the body.
from here forth, we were not allowed to eat anything besides the food that was made for us (we had to turn in any snacks or drinks we may have brought along)
there were 4 stations (one led by each facilitator) so 4 people at a time went up and drank the tea till they puked (again, three ‘purges’ had to happen so this ranged from 5-15 minutes depending on the person)
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we had a couple hours of free time afterwards and then gathered in the common area for breakfast
we served ourselves large plates of fresh fruit, gluten free oats, cooked plantains, a couple hard boiled eggs and various fresh-made juices.
there was an informational meeting after this and we briefly introduced ourselves and spoke about our intentions.
my answer was verbally simple but carried a lot of meaning for me emotionally–
“clarity,” I told, “is the word that keeps coming up for me. clarity in a lot of aspects.”
—
lunch rolled around a bit later (1pm, and it was our last meal of the day)
water cut off was 5pm
6:30pm a group yoga and sound bath session was held in the maloca
to set the scene in there a bit– the maloca is a large, circular room.
there were 12 mats evenly spaced along the outer edge, pillows at the top by the wall, feet towards the middle. they were each specifically assigned and each couple was separated– this is a deeply individual journey and experience.
the mats were essentially foam pads with a soft cotton cover. each person had two or three pillows and a blanket (it was 90+ degrees the entire time so I don’t think those got used much)
after yoga, we laid in silence (this was mandatory in the maloca leading up to, during, and prior to ceremony) for some time before the two facilitators (both female) that were going to be present for the ceremonies came in, followed by the maestros (these are the shamans- one female and one male)
they said nothing but began preparing their station in the middle of the room, soft whistling from the male maestro while the others smoked mapachos– which is pure tobacco.
tobacco in this tradition is seen as the ultimate purifier. the facilitators were blowing the smoke throughout the area, over themselves, whisking it over their head and blowing it (from pretty far away- nothing “gross’ if you're sensitive to this stuff) towards each of us.
during the ceremony we are each also given mapachos to utilize if we choose to do so.
this is another plant resource we can use and it cleanses the bad energies that may be around, come out, or come up during this sacred ceremony.
when someone would purge is another example of when one of the healers would begin smoking a mapacho, not directly in the person's face but in that general direction. this is because purging is seen as the bad energies coming out and releasing, so they want to help cleanse not only the collective space but also that person specifically.
it is also asked that your purge bucket (puke bucket) is placed at the foot of your mat so when you throw up, you are purging (pushing the bad energies) toward the center of the room where the healers and maestros are so they can cleanse and handle it, rather than puking in the direction of your neighbor and sending the vibes that way.
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one by one, we were brought up to the little altar they created in the center with pillows for seats, two lit candles, the big bottle of medicine (ayahuasca), the female maestro, and the two healers/facilitators.
they ask how much you’d like to take (the typical is about 1 shot-sized glass).
the drink is “blessed” before and during the portions being taken, the maestro is whistling/singing the sacred songs.
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the first night, I took half of a glass.
the other people in the group took amounts ranging from one half of a glass to two glasses
disclaimer:
I did not have any kind of visual or spiritual experience that first night.
I was so tired I actually ended up falling asleep.
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once everyone has taken their portions and after the male maestro spends a substantial amount of time singing and whistling in the middle of the room, the two maestros start on opposite sides of the room and begin to sing individual ikaros* to each person.
the female maestro began with me, and worked counterclockwise around the room. the male maestro worked clockwise.
once everyone had received their ikaros (*this is the name for the special sacred songs), a bit of time passed, and the ceremony was concluded. It lasted a couple hours in total.
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I did not have any kind of psychedelic or spiritual experience that evening, but my boyfriend had a really cool visual experience where he was able to see spirits/auras.
one of the other women attending the retreat had an incredibly special experience that first night which also became a divine experience she shared with her partner– I don’t even know how to begin to describe and it also isn’t my story to tell :) but it was beautiful and so so special.
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day two was breakfast, followed by a big chunk of free time which we spent wandering around the property and down at the beach.
lunch at 1pm, and a group gathering to speak more deeply about our intentions. it was more of a heart to heart than the brief initial introductions.
we went around the circle, stating our purpose and desire for being there. people shared their wishes to become a better friend, lover, leader, and human, some talked about wanting to connect with their authenticity or better realize their potential, others mentioned hoping to tap into the magic they’ve had glimpses of already.
you could feel the glimmers of hope and light and love and curiosity in the room as everyone shared, opening up little doors to their hearts.
I felt a surge of love for these people who were mostly strangers
the maloca suddenly became more sacred to me– this kind of vulnerability is rare.
it was my turn–
*deep breath*
“I have gone through a lot of really gnarly stuff,” I said. “I’ve gone through a lot and I used to not handle it well. I really let these things affect me. It was kind of blow after blow, so after a while I figured out a way to make a trade– I could go through something so heartbreaking and horrible and the next morning I could pretend it never happened. I don’t really know how I did this, what the turning point was, but I do know that the exchange for doing this was pieces of my soul. Each time, it was walking through a veil that clouded my perception of myself and of other people and of the world. It’s made me more detached and at first I labeled it as independence but it’s lonely. I’m an incredibly dis-trusting person.” I choked on tears and felt some eyes watching me, others gazing to the floor. “I don’t trust anyone.”
silence
“that’s all,” I finished.
—
when we wrapped up, I was outside putting my shoes on when one of the other participants came up to me.
we had all come here together, but my only solid connection to the group was my boyfriend.
the rest of the people I had only talked to a handful of times, if at all.
the man who came and spoke to me was one of the people who I don’t think I had ever had a conversation with prior. he was the father of one of the other participants and known for being a bit intimidating and definitely not a big emotions guy from what I had seen/heard up to that point.
in the meeting though, he had shared some incredibly vulnerable words and I later found out that the things he opened up about there were things that people close to him had not even known prior to that.
“so you don’t trust anyone, huh?” he says.
I laughed, nervous for what he would say next (he is a very blunt person) “I try to,” I said with a smile.
he looked at me and began to share sentiments about vulnerability and trust– opened up about a past experience he had where he felt betrayed and related it to the way many people go about their lives.
at the end, “no 95 percent bullshit” was mentioned, followed by “give it a hundred percent,” and that if people betray trust you give them, that’s on them. it is reflective of their character, not mine.
“naked, spread eagle,” he said, “you gotta just lay it all out on the table.”
if you stay in the shallow end of the pool you’ll never feel how freeing it can be to dive deep.
I didn’t have a lot of heart-to-hearts with my father growing up.
this was a moment of paternal love that felt really special, especially considering who it was coming from.
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meeting at the maloca at 7:30pm
ceremony 2
this night I decided to begin with a bit over three-fourths of a glass.
we have the ability to ask for “seconds' if about an hour or so into the ceremony we are not feeling the medicine as strongly as we would like to be. they close off the opportunity for seconds after a period of time, but while the window was open I did end up partaking–
I could feel the edge of the precipice I was standing upon and feeling brave enough to take the leap.
twenty seconds of courage. all you need is twenty seconds of courage-
I signaled the facilitator over the way we were told to, with the dim red flashlight pointed to my chest.
she served me an additional (generous) three fourths of a glass.
I closed my eyes—
I started tapping my face, tracing my hands over my collarbone, down to my hip bones and knee caps, wiggling each of my toes. observing the gentle-ness of my hands that I usually don’t pay much mind to.
I felt strangely artificial.
the visions began in the ocean, the bottom of it.
currents were moving me through and through and through.
was a mermaid, not the disney princess kind, but some sort of siren that was well versed in the ways of the water.
I was feeling uneasy and peaceful both at once, like someone trying to wriggle out of a hug when they secretly do crave the support.
I was completely submerged but not drowning.
it slipped away, but not slowly. it was gone quickly, like a final drink of water up a straw.
I let out one singular gasp for air.
I wept.
cried like I have never cried before.
was I ripped from the ocean or did I choose to stop being there? it was gone. I was back sitting in the room, still numb in my skin, still tapping all over my body. my hands shook uncontrollably and my limbs began to twitch and flinch dramatically.
I cried and cried and cried and the maestro sang to me and I cried and the ceremony ended and I cried more.
after most of the people had trickled out, I tried standing up and collapsed, so I stayed a little while longer.
some time passed and I finally felt stable enough to find my footing, but I felt like a barbie doll, legs stiff and it all felt so unnatural. I walked out of the maloca, up the hill to my room.
my boyfriend was there waiting.
—
back in the room, I reached for a water bottle. (never do this.)
most of the effects had worn off. I felt a little loopy but happy and okay.
gulp. gulp. gulp.
the amount of water in the bottle decreased significantly. my boyfriend looked at me with wide eyes– we were told to “be slow” with drinking water after the ceremony. the facilitators had made that point multiple times. I pointed out that hours had passed since I had taken the medicine and I was feeling mostly normal.
we laid in bed and it was barely ten minutes before my chest got tight and my head got cloudy.
or maybe it wasn’t cloudy.
it was crystal clear– too clear, I could see it all.
all these truths and all these things I didn't really want to know.
there were islands.
I was back in the ocean.
I was the ocean.
they were islands of my pain, of heartbreak and trauma. each one represented something different, had its own significance. each had its own weight that would press on my chest as I came closer.
it was indescribably heavy.
from where I was, there were a good four or five of these islands in my direct line of sight. it was stormy. a drizzle of rain covered all of them, scattered bolts of lightning and a low rumble of thunder. as I looked farther back, the clouds got darker, the rain was heavier. more islands were outlined in the fog.
miles and miles back I could see even more, I remember very clearly seeing an island with the pain I endured in my previous relationship, and on another island I was catching glimpses of things from childhood I had long forgotten about or had absolutely no recollection of.
if I squinted, I could make some of it out. a moment of this deciphering and I knew I was not ready to go there.
I didn’t want to go deeper.
I visited this island of grief I had for the dreams I have let die throughout the years.
I found myself on an island that was entirely representative of my relationship with my mother. this island was dark and tangled and messy, it was hard to make anything out, but the feeling of yearning was palpable in the air. you could feel the painful love tainted with jealousy and resentment and alcohol.
I write about this experience like it was quick teleportations my mind visited while my body quietly laid there-
this is not the case.
I was convulsing, aggressively, my body wrapping into a ball, every muscle tense, then suddenly my back was arching, fingernails digging into my thighs and screaming the most painful and primal screams. It was not cute crying- I was sobbing (loudly).
I was begging and bargaining, screaming that I did not want to continue, saying “I can see it, you showed me, I know it’s there, I can’t do it right now.”
I remember gripping my throat, feeling like all the times I had silenced myself for the sake of someone else's comfort or my own, was rising to the surface.
the years of pain I had traded for ignorance was now excruciatingly present and demanding my immediate attention.
these visions warped into things that are harder to articulate- root systems underground, I could feel the way trees grow and flowers bloom though my veins and though it wasn’t my past being brought to light, it was still weirdly difficult to navigate and I felt like I was choking.
“please,” weeping, trying to crawl out of my skin. I was screaming that I wanted to die, in some gentle way like laying in the dirt and being absorbed into a tree.
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I have had some really intense psychedelic experiences in the past that resulted in periods of depression and depersonalization and this was definitely something I was concerned about when going into this.
that night was very difficult and dark and the visions continued through the morning. I was genuinely afraid that things would not return to “normal”, that I was stuck in this weird limbo forever.
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I have always said my boyfriend is one of the most patient people (probably the most patient person) I have ever met. we balance each other out always, but that night especially I was so grateful to have him there.
I can’t even imagine anyone else trying to provide support (or god forbid me being alone in some of those moments when things got very dark)- he was reminding me to breathe, counting breaths with me, reassuring me, holding me, doing everything he could to support me all while being so calm. I’m screaming that I want to die and he’s rubbing my back telling me he loves me.
a big aspect of my distrust comes from the lack of stability I’ve experienced from any and all relationships in my life- romantic or otherwise. this night together was brutal but I also walked away with this new level of confidence and security in the relationship and in his love for me, and for that I am grateful.
–
I got maybe an hour of sleep and woke up in the morning feeling mostly normal– a raging headache (a side effect of the screaming most likely) but existed in this realm and was no longer floating in a spiritual ocean.
I barely spoke the entire morning, I was still processing and kind of terrified.
as the day went on, the headache got worse, and with the combination of the blazing dry heat I was feeling incredibly ill and was beginning to experience the onset of a migraine.
I blacked out multiple times on the way back to the room from breakfast and found myself in tears again, in bed with all the lights off and covers pulled up.
It persisted for hours and one of the facilitators felt so bad, she finally gave me some advil, which helped ease the pain enough for me to fall asleep for a nap, and upon waking I felt significantly better.
I touched on purging earlier– but it is a very normal part of these ceremonies. It is the “bad” energies leaving the body. we typically think of purging as puking, but it can also manifest as shaking, headaches/migraines, diarrhea, etc.
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since I ended up taking the advil, I was unable to drink ayahuasca at the ceremony that evening. (advil is one of the things that is against the “diet” for ayahuasca)
I still attended the ceremony and received the ikaros (sacred songs)- this was the final ceremony for the retreat and the purpose was to close the “portal” that had been opened between the real world and the spiritual one and protect each of us, so the healers said it was important for me to be in attendance.
–
this is a fairly detailed account of my experiences but definitely not an exhaustive one.
there were so many special moments and connections scattered between what was told here and I’m really grateful for all of it.
I didn’t want to share too many details involving other people or their names for the sake of privacy after such a sacred experience, but I’ll also mention–
seeing glimpses of your own soul in others, people who have gone through trials and traumas parallel to yours and have continued to reach for the light and age into beautiful human beings with radiant spirits is inspiring and comforting and I had the honor of meeting a handful of people like that during my time on this retreat.
one of the women who came to the retreat is someone I have quietly admired since I met her. when my boyfriend and I first started dating, multiple people in the group told him I remind them a lot of her (which is the biggest compliment in the world, I hope I’m half the woman she is one day) it was rad to be able to connect with her more– she has a beautiful spirit and is someone I hope to stay in touch with for forever.
I formed individual connections and relationships with each of the facilitators as well and I’m grateful for their kindness; their honest testimonials and vulnerability in sharing their journeys made participating in something so foreign and scary so much more comfortable.
they entertained my fascination with bugs and plants the entire week and made me feel seen, heard, and cared about in a large group where I was the “odd one out” (everyone else went into this already having known each other for years and years).
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“love” feels different in my heart and soul after this– lighter, untethered to conditions or expectations.
I asked for clarity, I admitted my lack of trust and secretly hoped that the medicine would rewire something in my brain and maybe I would “come to” with a blank slate, forget about all of the things in the past that have bred doubt and insecurity in me and I’d feel like a whole new person.
everything would be “perfect”, I would be reborn with the mind of a child- pure and naive and blissfully ignorant -able to take leaps of faith with no fear and love with no reservations.
it was not that simple and it could never be. (I knew this, I just hoped maybe I would be proven wrong)
what I was reminded of is that the things in this life are not made to be perfect. “perfect” is an undefinable and incredibly subjective standard.
so instead of spending time, energy, and prayers on wishing things were “perfect”, trying to affirm yourself into clear thinking and cloudless skies, you could spend time, energy, and prayers on strength to get you through the (inevitable) tougher times; to find comfort, confidence, and ease in your body and your life, and finding people who will love you unconditionally and without unreasonable expectation. (and then love them that same way in return)
just existing is reason enough to give love and to receive it with open arms.
I am responsible for how I carry myself though the world, why not just choose to love recklessly and give abundantly?
this universe operates on balance, it’ll all come back around.
stop guarding your heart and your voice and your dreams. all of those things are valid and worthy and deserving.
this experience changed the way I think about love and the way I understand it–
and then filled my cup up to the brim with it.
—
the day of our departure we gathered to say goodbyes- the man who I had the conversation about trust with outside of the maloca came to me and hugged me (not a bullshit obligation hug either, it was a good one) looked at me, and said:
“hey, go ahead and trust. it’s your choice.”
<3
